the fasting month has ended.the heart feels heavy to leave ramadhan.

syawal is here.i learnt something valuable.not everyone looked forward for syawal.not all muslims get to buy 2 new set of hari raya clothes,new shoes and new bags.not all will be anticipating to get their house clean,to get to change to new curtains,new bedsheet or new set of furniture.i realised that there are some brothers and sisters out there didn't get to feel the luxury of life like i do.i realised that there some brothers and sisters out there feel that there are missing someone this syawal,their loved ones left before them.i realised that not all will be happy and joyful like i do when i meet my relatives because the cold war that they had built over years.

so this syawal,i'm trying to be thankful that i have everything that i needed that other might need it more than i do.

before i go,would like to wish to my cousins,friends or whoever that read my blogs,
SALAM EIDULFITRI.Forgive me if i have done hurt anyone in any way.Forgive my wrong doings.MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN.

saturday-
pointless shopping @orchard and bugis, break fast at alfalah, didn't have time to eat proper dinner,there goes our swensens and our last buka together, went back home early, met up with his and sister's friends(well they are friends) under the blok, waited for the sister to come back home, sister's surprise tak menjadi, waited for mom to come back for terawih, my family,neighbours and his/sister's friends went to eat at gombak.

wow,i had a great time on saturday,minus the heated conversation we had.however it led to something good.


my sister tak tahu malu asked me to put this in my blog.so here's a late shoutout to you,
HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY.you got 4 years,only 4 years and out you'll go.hahahah.

i put this not to show that i have no friends lah but i think what they did was sweet.yg tak glamour celebrate bawah blok jer.haha,but my parents are not at home so i can't invite them to my house.so people...guess which one is mine?haha.


this is when my parents,neighbours and bros were back from terawih.to my dear brothers, even though you can catch some fish with a vespa bait in years later,i wish you could use another bait.maybe audi bait or something like that huh.show that we Saad family got class.hahahah.



at gombak.hahaha,sempat lepak lepas terawih.


1 and a half day to RAYA.
okay i tell you the truth,i am not so looking forward for it.nope,didn't find the mood in geylang.okay just because,i have to compromise my saturdays to go for jalan raya.for 3 weeks at least.so is it a good thing or a bad thing?

tomorrow is saturday!the only day i have a life.
cause you are my life.

going geylang tonight at around 10 plus.the later the better.i need to find my festive mood.i hope i find it in geylang.but i might just be dampened by the crowd.hahaha.

i am more calm,collected and cool.always cool.hahaha,if you know what i mean.

anyway,ramadhan is ending soon,next tuesday.you know,ramadhan is the only time we think about people who are less fortunate.do you think by next month you'll remember how blessed,lucky you are?no.cause you are so busy celebrating hari raya.i don't want to forget how lucky i am.if i keep reminding myself that my life is better than the others,maybe everytime i face a problem,i can tell myself,that there are people with problems that are 10 times worst than mine.if i could just think of that,i wouldn't feel so sad or angry.

anyway,last saturday i helped out with giving out money and bubur to the less fortunate people at a mosque.there's this atuk that touched me.i don't why i feel like crying when i think of him.maybe because i pity him.poor atuk living with a friend,also as old as him.imagining how he could get through his life and he is so weak.i think another reason maybe because i miss my grandfather tok man.i was thinking of how life would be if he's around. i never get close to any of my grandparents and this year,i am celebrating hari raya grandparent-less.that what makes me sad i guess,seeing the old people at the mosque.regretting at the fact that i did not spend more time with my grandparents.

i cannot bear to see old people living alone even though they have children.if that's what they want then is okay.the thing that i despise the most is children not taking care of their parents.even though i am not the perfect daughter but i vow to take care of my parents when they get older cause this is the only way to show that i appreciate what they have done for me,sacrificed for me.

blame khidhir for getting me into all these feelings.hahah,no seriously.thanks a lot for asking me to come although initially i do not want to.seeing your family again makes me happy cause i feel welcomed this time.just wanna tell you that life with you has been absolutely fantastic.i love every moment of it.

i shall update!

been pretty busy,preparing for hari raya!baking can be fun but tiring cause my mam,she's crazy!
she can do like 4 different types of kuih in a day!of course,sarah and i was her victim.
haha.anyway,to all coming to my house,check out my cookies.the specialty.insyaAllah it will turned out nice cause this is my second time doing the recipe.

anyway,there's so many things to do!i need to plan for hari raya outings(well,who else will do it,if not me)and birthdays.i'm getting into a panic mode.i need the house to be cleaned by saturday and dad is sucha lazy dad nowadays.haha,wassup with me!call my mam crazy.now saying my dad is lazy!i told you i'm getting panic.mcm aku jer head of the house.and i need to buy some things for hari raya.need to remind sis to buy one more bedsheet and thinking whether i should buy hari raya bag.i think i need to go out on saturday.the same day i want the house to be clean.so how?!!cause only by saturday,i'll be done baking so i don't have any other time! alright breath mas. wow,aku melebih pulak.

policeman help me!!!(haha okay,you must be confused.K got posted to police!only one thing i had in mind,more expensive dining!!by may next year.right inspector?haha,seriously no.)

by the way, I GOT A C FOR DESIGN STUDIO!!!!that was my aim.alhamdullilah.i think i was marked for my effort.

alright,i better get going!

"If you're afraid of everyone leaving you,what do you do?"
"Make them stay."
"And if you can't do that, or don't know how to?"
" I don't know."
" Yes, you do. In fact you've done it. You leave first, so you don't have to watch them walk away."

-Plain Truth by Jodi Picoult.

i do find myself in that situation for a few times.i think it is less hurting,to walk away first.

It's close to 1230am in the morning. Nowadays i don't bother to sleep at 11.i kinda like this solitary feeling.okay not really solitude cause i got my boy to keep me company,sometimes cause he ditched me to get some sleep.anyway, i am kinda sad that this one week is almost over and after this i am going drive myself up to the wall, more than before.but maybe it will be better cause i think i'll be busy baking for raya.can't wait to invite my friends over!

eh..why they didn't show what we get for design studio and tod.anyway,i am so happy that i got B+ for oral communication.my fav module but sadly,next sem will be a different module.haha,no more showing off how you're confident up at the front mas.and i know there's other presentation but talking about designs and concepts will definitely lower my confidence cause i don't know what i'm blabbering at times.

12 more days to raya.i do looked forward for raya but i think i looked forward more to school.i know! school?come one mas!but i totally cannot sit at home any longer.the only thing that keep me sane is meeting K, reading book, watching my fav tv shows and performing terawih.so consider the rest of the 24hour,i am insane.


imagine myself in diah mastura's shoes(the blogger) so i think i should be grateful arent i?at least i'm not suffering from anything except mental exhaustion from staying at home.

alright i know,i've been droning about the fact that i hate holidays.maybe i should stop.

the chocolate cookies bubble tea is damn good.my brother bought it for me and he made a deal with me.he buy me the bubble tea for me and i allow him to play games on the lappie.hahah,i practically ignored him.i love it when i made deals with my brother cause i'll get what i want but he doesn't necessarily get what he wants.

last wednesday,went out with my poly friends.we went all the way to changi aiport!nothing much at t3 but we went there just to eat popeye's. i was so fulled after that my stomach hurts. had a great time with them!girls,i honestly can't wait for school.

alright it's almost 1 am.

i am frustrated.there are so many things that i need to learn and understand.and understanding is not the best part of all.i am infuriated that sometimes i wish i was back to my old self. and that, is a scary thought cause i am happy with where i am now but.there's always a but.humans, they can never be grateful.

but i did what i think was right.for me for you for us.

when i'm with you, everything is effortless.

Rahman's 18th Birthday Surprise @ Amirah's Grill-

Monday was ABSOLUTE FUN.almost all the malay peeps turned up and i was really happy to see those familiar faces.so when we reached amirah's grill and had our room,nadiah told us the plan.

the plan was that we stayed in the room,nadiah(man's girlfriend) picked man up,man thought that it was gonna be a small private birthday celebration.but he was wrong.hahah.nad brought him to the room,opened the door and we,the people inside shouted SURPRISE!hahha,i remembered when we all in the room,hushing to each other and surpressing our laughters.damn,what a time.

the room.we actually decorated the room with balloons.

leha and me.ready to wear the masks!

hahah!

rooftop.

the awesome place.

rahman was caught off guard when he saw us.it was so memorable,i wanted to cry.

gosh,i miss the girls!

after the surprise,we break-fast together for the very first time.

then we all went back to the room cause nad still has some other surprise for man.

first surprise! man favourite dish is ayam masak merah so nadiah learnt how to cook that dish and gave him as a present.so we all had to tried the ayam and man went to each one of us to feed us the ayam.it was hilarious!

haha.yus was scared that man gonna smear the ayam on his face.haha!

after the ayam,another surprise!nadiah gave him a roll of tissue,with words she written on it.it was really sweet and touching moment.and it was so long,i can't believe she managed to used the roll of tissue up.

rahman was touched so he went to hug everyone.awww....

the third surprise was,nadiah sang him a song.and nadiah do have the voice to sing.this was another sweet and touching moment.aww,i wished someone could sing for me.HAHA.
the last surprise that nadiah almost forgotten,was the cake!haha,how could she forgot the most important thing.the cake was yummy but oh no,we played with food and you got to see what we did.

the cake was a tad hard so they think they should just pass around and bite on it!disgusting right!i was a tad disgusted by their teeth marks!ewww!haha,but the cake tasted good.

and comes the disgusting part.we loved to do this back in secondary school,when we have oreo or anything chocolate.hahahha!muke satu satu burok!so people,excuse our disgusting-ness.

hizam and my disgusting teeth.please don't click on this picture.

but the award goes to this threesome.now i know why nad and man are suited for one another cause they can make the most ugliest faces.haha.

group photo.actually there are more people!

we then headed to mosi cafe to shisha!!haha,i was like,"okay man later shisha on you" and he really paid for the shisha!haha,i was so so so happy when we decided to shisha.yus was like,what's next and we were all shouting, SHISHA!hahaha.

only the bunch of us left.

monday was sucha a good day.nadiah was really thoughtful with the plans and rahman is one lucky guy huh.throughout the day i was like hinting to everyone that my turn was next.hahaha!muke tak tahu malu.my friends,they know how to crack jokes and everytime we're together,we have to prepare for a marathon of laughters.i love you guys okay!and we'll be seeing each other during hari raya!insyaAllah.

today i'm very happy!!cause i get to see my poly friends after a long time!and also,my baby's back!

will be meeting my ex classmates to break-fast together.yes,i am excited.really thrilled to meet them.i can't wait to exhange stories with everyone,asking how all of them are doing since new school started.i know my friends have changed a lot,physical(dan is one of them)and mentally(lets see who's getting matured).but i know.they will be the same people that i befriended years ago.my memory of our good old sec 5 days will be frozen everytime i think of them.well,i really hope everyone turned up cause is time for us to have a talk.

first time break-fasting at a mosque.went to alfalah yesterday with my family.i really do feel contented with what i have.the food served was mediocre.nothing like what my family usually have for our break-fasting.still,i truly felt blessed that i have food and water everyday,without fail.this is what people always forget.they forget that their life here,in singapore is so much better than the third world country.

anyway,my purpose for tonight was to post this.

this article blows me when i read it.she brought up an issue that was not spoken of,a lot.we,malays knew but we decide to just keep it to ourselves.i salute her for her bravery.
and eventhough i am not so proud to be a Malay,but still this is my race.

_____________________



Written by Nur Dianah Suhaimi, 10 Aug 2008

FEELING LIKE THE LEAST FAVOURITE CHILD

As a Malay, I’ve always been told that I have to work twice as hard to prove my worth

When I was younger, I always thought of myself as the quintessential Singaporean.

Of my four late grandparents, two were Malay, one was Chinese and one was Indian. This, I concluded, makes me a mix of all the main races in the country. But I later realised that it was not what goes into my blood that matters, but what my identity card says under ‘Race’.

Because my paternal grandfather was of Bugis origin, my IC says I’m Malay. I speak the language at home, learnt it in school, eat the food and practise the culture. And because of my being Malay, I’ve always felt like a lesser Singaporean than those from other racial groups.

I grew up clueless about the concept of national service because my father was never enlisted.

He is Singaporean all right, born and bred here like the rest of the boys born in 1955. He is not handicapped in any way. He did well in school and participated in sports.

Unlike the rest, however, he entered university immediately after his A levels. He often told me that his schoolmates said he was ‘lucky’ because he was not called up for national service.

‘What lucky?’ he would tell them. ‘Would you feel lucky if your country doesn’t trust you?’

So I learnt about the rigours of national service from my male cousins. They would describe in vivid detail their training regimes, the terrible food they were served and the torture inflicted upon them - most of which, I would later realise, were exaggerations.

But one thing these stories had in common was that they all revolved around the Police Academy in Thomson. As I got older, it puzzled me why my Chinese friends constantly referred to NS as ‘army’. In my family and among my Malay friends, being enlisted in the army was like hitting the jackpot. The majority served in the police force because, as is known, the Government was not comfortable with Malay Muslims serving in the army. But there are more of them now.

Throughout my life, my father has always told me that as a Malay, I need to work twice as hard to prove my worth. He said people have the misconception that all Malays are inherently lazy.

I was later to get the exact same advice from a Malay minister in office who is a family friend.

When I started work, I realised that the advice rang true, especially because I wear my religion on my head. My professionalism suddenly became an issue. One question I was asked at a job interview was whether I would be willing to enter a nightclub to chase a story. I answered: ‘If it’s part of the job, why not? And you can rest assured I won’t be tempted to have fun.’

When I attend media events, before I can introduce myself, people assume I write for the Malay daily Berita Harian. A male Malay colleague in The Straits Times has the same problem, too.

This makes me wonder if people also assume that all Chinese reporters are from Lianhe Zaobao and Indian reporters from Tamil Murasu.

People also question if I can do stories which require stake-outs in the sleazy lanes of Geylang. They say because of my tudung I will stick out like a sore thumb. So I changed into a baseball cap and a men’s sports jacket - all borrowed from my husband - when I covered Geylang.

I do not want to be seen as different from the rest just because I dress differently. I want the same opportunities and the same job challenges.

Beneath the tudung, I, too, have hair and a functioning brain. And if anything, I feel that my tudung has actually helped me secure some difficult interviews.

Newsmakers - of all races - tend to trust me more because I look guai (Hokkien for well-behaved) and thus, they feel, less likely to write critical stuff about them.

Recently, I had a conversation with several colleagues about this essay. I told them I never thought of myself as being particularly patriotic. One Chinese colleague thought this was unfair. ‘But you got to enjoy free education,’ she said.

Sure, for the entire 365 days I spent in Primary 1 in 1989. But my parents paid for my school and university fees for the next 15 years I was studying.

It seems that many Singaporeans do not know that Malays have stopped getting free education since 1990. If I remember clearly, the news made front-page news at that time.

We went on to talk about the Singapore Government’s belief that Malays here would never point a missile at their fellow Muslim neighbours in a war.

I said if not for family ties, I would have no qualms about leaving the country. Someone then remarked that this is why Malays like myself are not trusted. But I answered that this lack of patriotism on my part comes from not being trusted, and for being treated like a potential traitor.

It is not just the NS issue. It is the frustration of explaining to non-Malays that I don’t get special privileges from the Government. It is having to deal with those who question my professionalism because of my religion. It is having people assume, day after day, that you are lowly educated, lazy and poor. It is like being the least favourite child in a family. This child will try to win his parents’ love only for so long. After a while, he will just be engulfed by disappointment and bitterness.

I also believe that it is this ‘least favourite child’ mentality which makes most Malays defensive and protective of their own kind.

Why do you think Malay families spent hundreds of dollars voting for two Malay boys in the Singapore Idol singing contest? And do you know that Malays who voted for other competitors were frowned upon by the community?

The same happens to me at work. When I write stories which put Malays in a bad light, I am labelled a traitor. A Malay reader once wrote to me to say: ‘I thought a Malay journalist would have more empathy for these unfortunate people than a non-Malay journalist.’

But such is the case when you are a Malay Singaporean. Your life is not just about you, as much as you want it to be. You are made to feel responsible for the rest of the pack and your actions affect them as well. If you trip, the entire community falls with you. But if you triumph, it is considered everyone’s success.

When 12-year-old Natasha Nabila hit the headlines last year for her record PSLE aggregate of 294, I was among the thousands of Malays here who celebrated the news. I sent instant messages to my friends on Gmail and chatted excitedly with my Malay colleagues at work.

Suddenly a 12-year-old has become the symbol of hope for the community and a message to the rest that Malays can do it too - and not just in singing competitions.

And just like that, the ‘least favourite child’ in me feels a lot happier.

Each year, come Aug 9, my father, who never had the opportunity to do national service, dutifully hangs two flags at home - one on the front gate and the other by the side gate.

I wonder if putting up two flags is his way of making himself feel like a better-loved child of Singapore.

alright.holidays as usual is such a BORE to me.i can't stand it at all.i can't stand doing nothing.i mean i did something of course like watching tv and reading books and surfing the net but if this have to go on for another 6 weeks,i am going to die.either i'm gonna die while i am reading,tv-ing or surfing.gosh.i know i am complaining but heck.i have tried looking for jobs,submitted my resumes but that is all i can do.now,i am waiting for something,a miracle to happen which is i, alas landed myself a job.Oh Allah,help me please.if staying at home is better for me than at least make the time fly fast for me.but i'll still be thankful.the night will be much better than the day.performing terawih helps to make time fly faster and i'm not doing it so for solely that reason of course.fasting has been good,alhmadullilah.sometimes i do find myself being tested.like now that my brothers are having holidays,they will do anything to make me piss or irriated.i will want to shout at them but i remind myself that i am fasting and being angry at them will not make my brothers stop.haha,typical of boys but well,i do sometimes irritate them but heck.

anyway,last weekend has been great!will never forget the time when we're at breeks,having our dinner.even though both of us were full but me,being gelojoh wanted to eat at breeks and then found ourselves too full.poor you,had to finish the brownie even though you feel muak.damn that avocado classic tasted so good i wish i wasn't rushing to watch electrico.but watching electrico was worth it too.no more of that for the time being.can't wait for you to end your bmt.one more week!

ramadhan is here.alhamdullilah.